A college president wears dozens of metaphorical hats and performs many a function at many an event. From the pomp and circumstance of presiding over graduation, to schmoozing with dignitaries, to garnering donations, Dr. David Johns has performed a myriad of official ceremonial duties.

Of course, some functions come with great gravity and others great pageantry, but none come with the glitter, royalty, and grandeur that came Aug. 2 when Johns dedicated the new Espresso Machine in the Panther Grounds.

Tens of people were on hand for the ribbon cutting and awaited the complimentary java with the enthusiasm of eager koi.

The dedication—complete with gold (plated) scissors and ribbon—represent what Johns said was a pinnacle of his dignatorial duties, as it were.

“Nothing equals this,” Johns said. “It’s hard to imagine anything surpassing this. This machine touches the lives of countless thousands of Ferrum students, faculty, and staff in our community.”

Johns stood before the caffeine-deprived crowd and spoke to the importance of the machine.

“You know, there comes a time. And time came for that old machine. So we are very happy to have a new machine with us now. There will be thousands of drinks that will help keep this place super charged,” he said.

Johns then read a poem titled “Black Magic” by Rambler On the Go and ended by buying a round for everyone.

“I want to extend to all of you this morning a gift of a free cup of coffee of your choice on me as we celebrate the newest member of the Panther family—someone we’ll all come to appreciate and love dearly,” Johns said.

With that, he paused for a suspenseful moment, golden scissors in hand, ribbon draped across the face of the machine. Cameras clicked, the crowd hung on the suspenseful aroma in the air, and Johns, with the precision of a neurosurgeon, snipped the ribbon—thus signifying the new machine—dubbed “Jitterbug”—was officially in service.

The throng rushed to the counter for the morning elixir, craning their necks as they poured the go-go juice down their gullets. Eyes suddenly got wider, dark circles disappeared, and steps got lighter.

“It’s a blissful, warm, awakening moment to life,” said Joyce Creel, Coordinator of Application Processing and Admissions Systems Specialist. “Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”

Justin Muse, Director of Student Activities, offered the lone dissention in the group.

“I’m not much of a coffee drinker,” Muse said, ordering a Diet Pepsi, “It really doesn’t do much for me, however, it’s something great and exciting for everyone who loves coffee.”

For the curious—Johns also picked up the tab for the Diet Pepsi.

Once the crowd had its workplace-motivating-life-support treatment, Johns ended with a vision for the future. If this event truly represented the ultimate ceremonial achievement—what could possibly be next for him?

“Maybe a waffle maker?” he pondered. “Just in time for midnight pancakes.”